Santa, I’m tired of being misunderstood,
You’ve been my hero, the subject of many songs,
This year I’ve tried my very best to be good,
But somehow everything just went wrong,
You’re not a good example, oh no, you’re not,
I’ve heard the song, “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”,
So what about that time you got caught?
That act, I’ll tell you now, won’t win any applause,
At the mall you weren’t nice to a little boy,
Who reluctantly climbed into your ample lap,
You couldn’t remember his special toy,
So the little rascal gave your beard a snap,
When a little girl insisted you weren’t real,
How come your face turned as red as a beet?
When she insisted your name wasn’t Santa, but Bill,
And shouted, “It’s my neighbor, from down the street!”
Santa, women love you and want to sit on your knee,
You’re not so much to look at, don’t you agree?
They’ll set out cookies and milk, dressed in nighties,
So why do you get all the attention, why you and not me?
I want to laugh this year, a little chuckle or two,
Can you find a special someone just for me?
Someone who’s heart is full of love, but not for you,
Let me have just one to love, set her next to the tree,
No one will know our secret, I surely won’t tell,
I’ll keep her warm and hold her tight,
And the following year when you ring those bells,
The chimney will be blocked and you’ll hear me yell,
“Santa, this woman is mine, so stay out of sight,
You don’t want to fight by the Christmas tree,
So take your deer and clear out of here,
This woman is only going to love just me.”